Adventures of Hilda The Sneaky Bitch Part 3
It’s Not About The Berries
Hilda is the name I have given my internal judge. We all have one and sometimes that voice gets really loud. Hilda doesn’t care if I’m in a personal or professional setting, because no matter where you go – the judge always tags along.
Last week Hilda and I went on a mini vacation with a couple of friends. Hilda doesn’t like it when we go on vacation. I should be working; I should be productive - always.
As so often is the case when 3 people hang out the dynamic tends to split into 2 and 1; this time I was the odd 1 out. Hilda was quick to tell me: ‘you don’t matter’ and she now looked for lots of evidence to confirm this assertion. She found plenty. For example, one of my friends asked the other if she wanted berries for dessert. She didn’t – I did; but I was never asked.
I love raspberries but don’t allow myself to indulge – Hilda tells me it’s a luxury I don’t need. If I had been asked, I would have had permission to indulge, but I wasn’t, so I didn’t.
Hilda’s voice got louder and louder and ‘I don’t matter’ morphed into another familiar tune: ‘no one cares about what I want’. And if no one cares about what I want, there was no point in speaking up. I’ve heard this tune since I was just a little kid. It is said ‘when the judge comes out, the child comes out’. And that ‘old familiar tune’, that voice of the judge has been with me since childhood. When I’m caught in Hilda’s web of powerful speech I become totally identified with that child and I become powerless – and ever so angry.
Have you ever found yourself at the receiving end of someone’s outburst that seemed disproportionate to the ‘offense’ and asked yourself: ‘where the heck did that come from?’ Imagine if I had given in to my feelings and yelled at my friends “How dare you not offer me berries??!! You obviously don’t care about me!”
When was the last time you overreacted – without quite knowing why?
Chances are you just got hijacked by your judge and thrown back into the dynamic of your experiences as a little kid. Our judge tends to sneak up on us when we least expect it – Hilda, you sneaky bitch! So next time you get furious – get curious!
Sometimes I can figure things out on my own and sometimes I need help.
If you find yourself caught or stuck, please reach out and we can co-explore what might have triggered you so you can spot your trigger more easily next time. Sure, others may behave ‘badly’ but it is you who’s getting triggered. It’s helpful to figure out why because: It’s NEVER about the berries!!